A Fresh Start

Hello Followers,

 

I know I’ve been MIA for quite sometime. I think my last post was me announcing I’m pregnant :/ Yeah…. Sorry about that. Everything is going well for the pregnancy so far. I’ll be 4 months next week if the estimation from my blood work/pregnancy test is right. I’m going to see a doctor Thursday (I’ll explain that in a different blog)

 

But if you have visited my page lately you will have noticed I have basically deleted all my post except a few. That’s because I want to start new on this blog. And I didn’t (honestly) want to go through the hassle of setting up a new blog. I worked hard on this one. Getting it just the way I like it. So I’m just going to start fresh. I’m going to try and get back into the things I love so reading, drawing, writing, make-up, etc. Also I’m going to take you guys along with on Carl’s and My journey to get ready for Alaska, packing, moving, all that fun stuff plus baby and just general life updates. We leave the end of May. So we are slowly getting close to the leaving date. And I’ll just update you on all the things that I haven’t been blogging about. And boy do I have a lot to tell you guys 🙂 I’m hoping to make this blog back into what I intended it to be. Granted I’m still going to speak up and keep bring awareness to Depression, Anxiety etc. Because it is also part of my life. That’s not something that just goes away. But I’m starting a new Chapt….no not a new Chapter. We are going to call this a New Book in my life. We are past book one. It’s on to the new book. And I can’t wait to see what it has in store for me. Granted somethings so far have not been the greatest (more to come in another blog). But I’m trying to stay positive and look forward. I’m hoping to revamp this blog. and make it better than it was before.

And I hope you all continue on this journey with me and I don’t lose any of you in the process. So this is the first Chapter of a new book… Let’s see how many Chapters we can get out of me this time around 🙂

 

Always Remember: Stay Strong

Amanda

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First Surprise Of The New Year…

Hello My Lovely followers,

 

So I’m freaking out!! Two days into the new year.. And I found out I’m… Wait for it.. wait for it….

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PREGNANT!!!

Okay Amanda, breath.. Just breath.. It will be okay. I’m not even joking. I thought I was just stressed (which seems to be the reoccurring theme when it comes to this) so far that’s what everyone has said they just thought they were stressed, then SURPRISE!!! You have a little person growing inside your body!!

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( Freak out level: EXPERT!!)

Everyone else is all excited and already planning stuff… I’m just here like….

get

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Just breath… It will be okay…It’s not that bad.. it’s just a part a life.. I have a little human growing in me… that I will eventually have to push out of me…. Okay maybe I can freak out more than a little!

I have no clue what I’m doing.. this will be my first kid..I don’t even know if I’m ready for this.. I don’t even know how I feel about this… And Carl and I plan on moving to Alaska!! Which my parents are on me about!! They don’t want us to leave.. I want to leave.. Carl wants to leave.. they want us to stay till the baby is born.. but we can’t do that. because if we stay till than, we have to get an apartment.. and then we won’t have the money to go to Alaska after the baby is born.. which means we will be stuck here… and I don’t want to be stuck here! I have no way to make everyone happy.. and it is stressing me out (which I know.. not good for the pregnancy)

It’s a constant back and forth.. and I’m in the middle…

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No one has really asked me what I want.. *sigh* I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this..and everyone is demanding stuff from me..

And all this stuff I need to learn, get, save for, and process has me scared like no other. Every time someone tells me something else or I read something.. It’s just information over load!!

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The only thing that I’m looking forward to right now.. is the shopping!! Baby clothes are SO CUTE!!!!  Carl even wants to join in on that (weird) My mom is excited to go shopping.. she said that baby is going to be spoiled before it even gets here.. *sigh* that just means more stuff to ship up to Alaska… and all the stuff from the baby shower which my mom wants to throw (also going to be huge she says)

I need help.. an outside unbiased 3rd party… If anyone knows any mommy/baby blogs I can follow, please comment down below!!! Or if you are a mommy please comment or message me!!

Always Remember: Stay Strong!!!

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For My Father: With Love

My Father has and always will be the one man in my life that is by far the strangest person I will ever know.

From a young age, I knew I was pretty lucky to have the Father that I did. He was my first best friend. He was this symbol of strength. He made me feel safe, made me laugh, and did all he could to make sure my siblings and I had a good childhood and had everything we needed. He would play outside with us, play video games with us, and just in general joke around (I grew up in a very strange household, but in a good way).

So when my father had is heart attack. My world stopped. I was so scared I was going to lose him. My father, my first best friend, and the greatest person I have ever known. But he’s heart attack came and went he regained his health and strength. and he was back to his old self. Right then was when I realized just how strong he was, he didn’t let it hold him back.

My father has never been one to show his emotions, it was just the way he was. So when my grandfather passed away (his father, R.I.P) He was the rock he has always been. He didn’t show his emotions at all. We knew he was upset and hurting, it was his father after all. But my father is a very logical person. He didn’t see much in crying, because he knew it wouldn’t bring his father back. My father mourned inward. He kept it to himself. He was never the emotions on your sleeve type of person. And that was okay. Because we knew he loved us.

But I will never forget this one time, and to this day is still gets me. It was right after they had finally lost the house (due to the recession). Him, my mother, and my brother came to the apartment I was living in, to drop off some of the stuff they wanted me to hang on too. Till they found a place. After everything was moved in. I was talking to my parents. My mom hugged me. and the most shocking thing happened. My father hugged me and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too and I held it together for as long as I could but I didn’t even make it all they way up the stairs before I started crying. This amazing, strong, and stubborn man not only gave me a hug (he hugged us when we were younger, but once we got older he stopped, part of growing up I guess) But actually said “I love you” We grew up knowing we were loved. It wasn’t like it wasn’t obvious. But in that moment it was the hardest thing for me to hear. My strong father, who kept is emotions to himself, just bluntly put them out there. I will never forget that day.

Years passed my parents got their life back on track, got financially stable again (for the most part) both were working. I eventually left and moved to Madison. Things where good my parents were doing well. And then my father started having health problems again. He had poor circulation in his legs, and had to have surgery. So the surgery came and went. and things looked like they were going to go back to normal. I moved back to my home town. I wanted to back near my family and friends. I left my fiance and started to rebuild my life. And my world came crashing down again. My father was in the hospital again. He had, had a stroke. My father could no longer work due to the surgery on his leg. But he was still his strong self refusing to let his health problems hold him back. But I had the moment of pure fear. He had a stroke. Those are serious. and with heart, I was freaking out. So worried again that I was going to lose him. But the stroke came and went, he had his surgery again. And we hoped finally we were done with the hospital visits. But sadly we were wrong.

Things started getting bad again. He had really bad headaches all the time, he was in pain, could barely move some days, and his sight was messed up in one eye. Well one day he was in so much pain that he went to the hospital. Turned out he had a kidney stone. Okay not so bad. But then he had another stroke at the hospital. And it started all over again. The worry. He spent two weeks in the hospital, We kept getting more news. He has actually had a stroke before the one we thought was the second one, which is was what started the headaches, and the one he had at the hospital was actually his third one. and he had passed another kidney stone. So my fathers count was getting pretty high, 1 heart attack, leg surgery, 3 strokes and 2 kidney stones. I spent countless hours worried, freaking out, and just trying to understand why this was happening. My strong father, the strongest person I have ever knew, reduced to laying in a bed, barely able to take care of himself. The doctors not being able to tell us when he could come home. I spent nights crying just hoping things would get better, that I would wake up and it would all just be a bad nightmare, I would go over to my parents place and I would see him and he would be the strong man I had known growing up. But I never woke up. I had to watch him struggle, take a bunch of medication, and barely able to do something as simple as pick up a glass, chew or swallow his food.

Well after two weeks of being jerked around he was finally able to go home. I was actually at my parents place when my mom got the phone call. I could somewhat hear my father on the other end, and I heard the man I grew up playing games with. He was so happy he got to go home. ( he hates the hospital)

Everyday is still a bit of a struggle, he is slowly getting his strength back, but he still struggles with a few things. And it breaks my heart so much, such a strong man reduced to a cane and a walker, Slurs a bit when he talks, and still struggles with eating and drinking.

I wish so much that I could just find a way to make him better, give him back some of what he has lost. My father is the type of person who always has to be doing something. He doesn’t like to just sit around all day and do nothing. And now he has not choice and I knew deep down he is going stir crazy, not being able to do anything, but sit around all day and watch tv, or go to doctor’s appointments or physical therapy. I wish I could make this all go away. Give him back his life, well give him back some of his life that he has lost.

I’m still waiting to wake up and this all just be a trouble, horrible dream. And I’ll see him and he will be that strong man again. Not that he isn’t still strong. He is. He is stubborn and strong. But I just wish I could make this all go away… </3

For My Father: With Love (Your Little Girl) ❤

Always Remember: Stay Strong

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My Amazing Friends <3 Featured Friday.

I’ve met some amazing people since moving back to my hometown. And I’m so blessed to be able to call them my friends. The abilities they have are nothing more than awesome. So I thought I would feature them on my blog.

The first person I’m going to feature, is a truly awesome person. With an intense and beautiful story. I met her summer of 2014. When we started talking and became friends, we never knew that our stories and lives were so close to each other.

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This beautiful girl in this picture is my very good friend Dee Dee. She is 17 years old, and honestly one of the strongest people I have ever met (even if she doesn’t believe it herself.) But what made us realize we had more in common than we ever thought we would, was a beautiful little baby boy by the name of Christian Scott Hillary, My nephew. He is also Dee Dee’s half brother. I won’t go to into detail about it. But Christian died at 8 months, leaving two families with a giant empty hole in our family trees, that can never again be filled. And when I found out that Dee Dee and my stories were even more similar, I knew I had found a new friend and a new family member (even if we are not technically related, I do and will consider her my half niece).

We had/have this connection that not many people get in life. From a battle with mental illness to family relations.

I look at this girl, and I would just give anything to to take all her pain away. So I do my best to be there for her, in anyway I can. Because even though our struggles are different, we understand each other in a way others can’t understand us. With that being said, a few days ago Dee Dee sent me something that she wrote, it was so touching and amazing. I just knew I had to share it on here. So enough of my babbling. Here is her writing:

“I’m sorry to everyone I hurt by hurting myself it’s just that when my dad told me to kill myself I swear I felt my lungs burst I think all kindness left my body when the person who made me told me to die I swear he broke me in half that day he took my heart with him when he walked out of my room and the tears streamed down my cheeks I don’t think they ever really stopped but maybe my heart did that day because no matter how hard I try I can not find an ounce of love in my body. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that I couldn’t get too close to something that might hurt me and I miss you more and more every day I swear when you said I should never speak to you again my bones cracked like glass and they never really will be fixed because I loved you and you didn’t love me I think maybe you did once but then I pushed you away and that drew the line for you. You didn’t need me in your life anymore and when I heard you fucked her my throat closed up and tears stained my cheeks but you didn’t give it a second thought because I’m the one to blame. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that when my sister told me my mom’s fiance raped her all the trust in my body leaked out onto the ground because for 5 years he acted like a saint and then all hope of trusting anyone vanished because he did the unthinkable and stole her innocence. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that when I got the call that my best friends girlfriend took her own life I felt the light in my eyes dim because she was as bright as the sun and her light burnt out I swear she took my light with her when she took her life and I sat with my best friend while she threw up blood and cried until her eyes were red and her breath was shaking like a earthquake because her true love was gone and her eyes were dead when she looked at me again. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that when my brother tried to break my arm and said he should have let me die when I overdosed I swear my blood stopped flowing and my heart turned cold but I still felt waves of tears fall down my face and even though he apologized I still think about what he said late at night when I can’t sleep and it hurts my head to think someone I care so much about would rather see me dead. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that no one bothered to ask if I was alright until I stained the bathtub with my blood and I think when I chose to hurt myself it was more to do with feeling something than trying to cope with the fact that my life is going down a bad path. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that I think I lost my motivation a long time ago to keep up with friends and talk on a regular basis my motivation has been stripped clean of anything that required feeling or even getting out of bed. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that my family still won’t talk about my little brother even though he’s been dead for 9 years and the picture of him behind the couch is collecting dust as if he were never a part of our lives anyway as if his life wasn’t as significant as ours because he didn’t make it. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that taking pills to drown my thoughts has become a usual thing for me but while drowning my thoughts I’m drowning everyone else around me out too and I never meant to drown anyone but myself but the thought of taking everyone down with me sounds like a new heartless me. I’m sorry to everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just that when my mood is foul I aim to destroy everyone around me and nobody ever thought that maybe “leave me alone” really meant “please I need a hug don’t go” I’m sorry for everyone I hurt when it hurt myself it’s just that my bones are breaking with every step I take and my lungs are always on fire and I swear I can’t feel my heart beat anymore it’s just maybe when I’m hurting myself I can forget all of those who hurt me too. I’m sorry for everyone I hurt when I hurt myself it’s just antidepressants have always been my key to holding on and even though they turn me into a zombie at least I won’t cry when something goes wrong I think there really is no cure for a broken soul because as hard as I try my past will always haunt my present and maybe if you don’t want to see me hurting you should just look away.”

-Dee Dee Hillary

I love you Dee Dee. You are truly amazing and strong. And I hope you know that I am always here for you. No matter what ❤

Always Remember: Stay Strong

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Social Sites.

Hey everyone,

So I thought I would post some of my other profiles. So here they are.

Tumblr: http://amstreit.tumblr.com/

Blogger: http://happinessisajourny.blogspot.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/am_streit08

Instagram: Astreit08

 

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