Home?

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Let’s be honest, our favorite place to be 99% of the time is home. and that includes all the other places we consider home. There’s a sense of calm the comes over us when we arrive home. A place where we can leave the outside worlds madness, drama, and problems at the door. But what happens when home no longer feels like home?

At the beginning of last year we made the decision to pack up and move back to Wisconsin. We weren’t having any luck in Alaska. It was just one bad thing after another. No matter how hard we tried we couldn’t get our footing. So we agreed that maybe moving back to Wisconsin would be the right choice. So we packed up we could send to Wisconsin, sold the rest, got rid of or donated. We hopped on a plane (that’s whole different experience) and flew to Wisconsin.

When we first got there, it was amazing I was back home. In my home state and hometown. But that honeymoon phase of being back home went away pretty quick. Things got worse between myself and my boyfriend. We were fighting all the time couldn’t get on the same page, all while trying to take care of a 1 year old and a newborn. And to make matters worse. My mom, sister, and brother had no problem constantly pointing out what a huge inconvenience we were. And how there just wasn’t enough room for all of us. And that we were the problems. I was home but it didn’t feel like home. My mom eventually kicked us out, without giving anytime to find another place to go. Luckily my friends were nice, stepped up and gave us a place to stay. So we spent a few months living with them trying to get ourselves back on track. But we ended up having to move again. So that’s when we went to Florida (I regret this decision everyday)

But even in Florida something felt like it was missing and something wasn’t right. Wisconsin was home anymore for me, my mother just kicked me, my boyfriend, and her grand kids to the curb like we were nothing. I felt lost and out of place. My home state/hometown didn’t feel like home anymore. I felt like an outsider in a place I didn’t belong. On our way to Florida we had decided we should go back to Alaska. Give it another try and maybe we could this time around we could make it work. So at the beginning of October we boarded a plane again, took what we could fit into backpacks, suitcases, and the diaper bag and flew back to Alaska. Leaving behind everything else we owned to be shipped up at a later date.

So it’s now May 2019, we have our own apartment again, things are still tight but not as bad as they were last time. We are in a much better place than we were before in our relationship. We still have our fights but they aren’t a constant everyday thing like they use to be. And yesterday while we were out yesterday running around doing errands, I looked up at the mountains off in the distance. And this since of calm come over me.

And I started to think about Wisconsin: It never felt right being back there, I felt out of place and like I didn’t belong anymore. It was home but it wasn’t home. I was miserable unhappy, both jobs I got I hated and couldn’t wait to leave them. Like nothing that happened in Wisconsin when we moved back wasn’t a right fit. Like I just didn’t fit in Wisconsin anymore. Then I thought about how it felt when we got back to Alaska. The feeling that came over me was a since of calm. It felt like we had never left for almost a year. It felt like we had just been on a long crappy vacation, that we were happy was finally over.

So yesterday I realized. Wisconsin will always be home for me but it’s not my home anymore. Alaska is my home now. I fit here. I just needed to get away to realize that I was where I’m meant to be the whole time.

I’m a Wisconsin girl at heart and I’ll go back and visit every chance I get, But that’s all it will ever be.. a visit. I’ll always come back home to Alaska. To the mountains and the way of life in Alaska.

I feel like I lost a small piece of myself when I realized Wisconsin is no longer my home. Which in a way I have. But it’s not a bad thing. It means I’m moving on from who I was/use to be and slowly growing into the person I need to be now.

I Love Wisconsin…but you are no longer my home. </3

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Betrayal

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They say a friend who betrays you was never really a friend at all. That got me thinking and looking at the friendship with someone who recently betrayed me. And it’s amazing, how when you look back on the friendship with new eyes you start to see all the things you missed or let slide. Big and small. You start to see it all. You notice that though there were a lot of good times… there were a lot of bad things that happened that out weigh the good.

Friends make mistakes, yes. But there are just somethings a person who claims to be a friend shouldn’t do.

A few months back, I found out my “best friend” for 10+ years was saying things to my boyfriend that she shouldn’t have been saying and was basically looking to take over my life. I won’t go to into detail of all that happened. But I’ll say this; it was bad enough for me to remove her from my life. I’m still struggling with it, and some days are really hard. Anytime something good or bad would happen she was my person to go too. So of course my first instinct naturally is to open up my messages to message her… and I have to stop myself

We were living with her and her husband for a month. while we decided on whether or not to move back to Alaska. I made her the godmother of my children. We moved to Florida cause she had offered us a place to stay, we had no where else to go. I wanted to see my best friend and I wanted her to meet my kids. I never would have thought what would follow she would be capable of. But like I said seeing things in a new light/with new eyes. I noticed a lot of our friendship was quite a bit of her not being a horrible friend but not always the greatest friend. I don’t know. I just feel like part of me shouldn’t be surprised considering the other stuff she had done in the past. Now I’m not perfect and I know there were probably times I hurt her. Said some mean things. But honestly I never did anything remotely close to what she has done to me. And I’m just thinking back on the things I know about, I’m sure there are probably things I don’t know about.. and probably never will.

I still cry sometimes, lose sleep, and have nightmares about it. And once it came out what had happened, it made all my old insecurities come back. Last time I felt the way I did, was High School. So many thoughts and emotions ran through my head. I even went to a dark place I haven’t been to in a long time. I thought about cutting (I didn’t) but I wanted too. The fact that my thoughts could just go to that so fast, scared me. I haven’t thought about cutting in years. No matter how bad things had gotten these last couple of years. I never went to that place.

I don’t know if it’s true that a friend that betrays you was never a friend to begin with. It may be, it may not. Friendship is just another one of those things in life that are also never really guaranteed, I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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