My Father has and always will be the one man in my life that is by far the strangest person I will ever know.
From a young age, I knew I was pretty lucky to have the Father that I did. He was my first best friend. He was this symbol of strength. He made me feel safe, made me laugh, and did all he could to make sure my siblings and I had a good childhood and had everything we needed. He would play outside with us, play video games with us, and just in general joke around (I grew up in a very strange household, but in a good way).
So when my father had is heart attack. My world stopped. I was so scared I was going to lose him. My father, my first best friend, and the greatest person I have ever known. But he’s heart attack came and went he regained his health and strength. and he was back to his old self. Right then was when I realized just how strong he was, he didn’t let it hold him back.
My father has never been one to show his emotions, it was just the way he was. So when my grandfather passed away (his father, R.I.P) He was the rock he has always been. He didn’t show his emotions at all. We knew he was upset and hurting, it was his father after all. But my father is a very logical person. He didn’t see much in crying, because he knew it wouldn’t bring his father back. My father mourned inward. He kept it to himself. He was never the emotions on your sleeve type of person. And that was okay. Because we knew he loved us.
But I will never forget this one time, and to this day is still gets me. It was right after they had finally lost the house (due to the recession). Him, my mother, and my brother came to the apartment I was living in, to drop off some of the stuff they wanted me to hang on too. Till they found a place. After everything was moved in. I was talking to my parents. My mom hugged me. and the most shocking thing happened. My father hugged me and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too and I held it together for as long as I could but I didn’t even make it all they way up the stairs before I started crying. This amazing, strong, and stubborn man not only gave me a hug (he hugged us when we were younger, but once we got older he stopped, part of growing up I guess) But actually said “I love you” We grew up knowing we were loved. It wasn’t like it wasn’t obvious. But in that moment it was the hardest thing for me to hear. My strong father, who kept is emotions to himself, just bluntly put them out there. I will never forget that day.
Years passed my parents got their life back on track, got financially stable again (for the most part) both were working. I eventually left and moved to Madison. Things where good my parents were doing well. And then my father started having health problems again. He had poor circulation in his legs, and had to have surgery. So the surgery came and went. and things looked like they were going to go back to normal. I moved back to my home town. I wanted to back near my family and friends. I left my fiance and started to rebuild my life. And my world came crashing down again. My father was in the hospital again. He had, had a stroke. My father could no longer work due to the surgery on his leg. But he was still his strong self refusing to let his health problems hold him back. But I had the moment of pure fear. He had a stroke. Those are serious. and with heart, I was freaking out. So worried again that I was going to lose him. But the stroke came and went, he had his surgery again. And we hoped finally we were done with the hospital visits. But sadly we were wrong.
Things started getting bad again. He had really bad headaches all the time, he was in pain, could barely move some days, and his sight was messed up in one eye. Well one day he was in so much pain that he went to the hospital. Turned out he had a kidney stone. Okay not so bad. But then he had another stroke at the hospital. And it started all over again. The worry. He spent two weeks in the hospital, We kept getting more news. He has actually had a stroke before the one we thought was the second one, which is was what started the headaches, and the one he had at the hospital was actually his third one. and he had passed another kidney stone. So my fathers count was getting pretty high, 1 heart attack, leg surgery, 3 strokes and 2 kidney stones. I spent countless hours worried, freaking out, and just trying to understand why this was happening. My strong father, the strongest person I have ever knew, reduced to laying in a bed, barely able to take care of himself. The doctors not being able to tell us when he could come home. I spent nights crying just hoping things would get better, that I would wake up and it would all just be a bad nightmare, I would go over to my parents place and I would see him and he would be the strong man I had known growing up. But I never woke up. I had to watch him struggle, take a bunch of medication, and barely able to do something as simple as pick up a glass, chew or swallow his food.
Well after two weeks of being jerked around he was finally able to go home. I was actually at my parents place when my mom got the phone call. I could somewhat hear my father on the other end, and I heard the man I grew up playing games with. He was so happy he got to go home. ( he hates the hospital)
Everyday is still a bit of a struggle, he is slowly getting his strength back, but he still struggles with a few things. And it breaks my heart so much, such a strong man reduced to a cane and a walker, Slurs a bit when he talks, and still struggles with eating and drinking.
I wish so much that I could just find a way to make him better, give him back some of what he has lost. My father is the type of person who always has to be doing something. He doesn’t like to just sit around all day and do nothing. And now he has not choice and I knew deep down he is going stir crazy, not being able to do anything, but sit around all day and watch tv, or go to doctor’s appointments or physical therapy. I wish I could make this all go away. Give him back his life, well give him back some of his life that he has lost.
I’m still waiting to wake up and this all just be a trouble, horrible dream. And I’ll see him and he will be that strong man again. Not that he isn’t still strong. He is. He is stubborn and strong. But I just wish I could make this all go away… </3
For My Father: With Love (Your Little Girl) ❤
Always Remember: Stay Strong