Betrayal

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They say a friend who betrays you was never really a friend at all. That got me thinking and looking at the friendship with someone who recently betrayed me. And it’s amazing, how when you look back on the friendship with new eyes you start to see all the things you missed or let slide. Big and small. You start to see it all. You notice that though there were a lot of good times… there were a lot of bad things that happened that out weigh the good.

Friends make mistakes, yes. But there are just somethings a person who claims to be a friend shouldn’t do.

A few months back, I found out my “best friend” for 10+ years was saying things to my boyfriend that she shouldn’t have been saying and was basically looking to take over my life. I won’t go to into detail of all that happened. But I’ll say this; it was bad enough for me to remove her from my life. I’m still struggling with it, and some days are really hard. Anytime something good or bad would happen she was my person to go too. So of course my first instinct naturally is to open up my messages to message her… and I have to stop myself

We were living with her and her husband for a month. while we decided on whether or not to move back to Alaska. I made her the godmother of my children. We moved to Florida cause she had offered us a place to stay, we had no where else to go. I wanted to see my best friend and I wanted her to meet my kids. I never would have thought what would follow she would be capable of. But like I said seeing things in a new light/with new eyes. I noticed a lot of our friendship was quite a bit of her not being a horrible friend but not always the greatest friend. I don’t know. I just feel like part of me shouldn’t be surprised considering the other stuff she had done in the past. Now I’m not perfect and I know there were probably times I hurt her. Said some mean things. But honestly I never did anything remotely close to what she has done to me. And I’m just thinking back on the things I know about, I’m sure there are probably things I don’t know about.. and probably never will.

I still cry sometimes, lose sleep, and have nightmares about it. And once it came out what had happened, it made all my old insecurities come back. Last time I felt the way I did, was High School. So many thoughts and emotions ran through my head. I even went to a dark place I haven’t been to in a long time. I thought about cutting (I didn’t) but I wanted too. The fact that my thoughts could just go to that so fast, scared me. I haven’t thought about cutting in years. No matter how bad things had gotten these last couple of years. I never went to that place.

I don’t know if it’s true that a friend that betrays you was never a friend to begin with. It may be, it may not. Friendship is just another one of those things in life that are also never really guaranteed, I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Amanda

My life is chaotic to say the least, I'm trying to navigate my life as a mom, girlfriend, daughter, and friend. While trying to figure out what's next for me. A lot has happened the last few years, and it's time for a change.
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